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Tuesday, June 29, 2004

This was written on the 28th of June.

I find it fun, exciting and interesting to read the blogs or its other forms of whatevers of the people that are listed on my links page. I really want to take a look and see what is in their minds and thoughts. I find it surprising that I have found a passion for such a trivial exercise like this. I have never been thought of as fad-chaser, as someone who immediately goes after something new. It would take me while to go after something like this. oh well… I only wish people read mine and add stuff to it. I genuinely wish that.

Speaking of genuinely wish, I had one last weekend. It was somehow granted, and I had so much fun. What was it? Hmmm… it was very simple, but I would like to keep it under wraps for now, if you know what I mean…

What happened this weekend?

Friday, IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY. Unfortunately, I can count with my fingers the number of people who even remembered that it was my birthday that day. Yep, that was my plan that I had in place and executed. In the past few years, I usually would tell people that it was my natal day on that day. I did not this year, to see if people could remember my birthday. I guess they did not. I met a lot of people that day, meron GA ang Gabay noon, then I dropped by the DS Department and the ACIL room. Did anybody remember that it was my birthday? Grrr… It was so disappointing and frustrating.

Enough ranting on my birthday, your natal day should be a good emotional lift day, something I did not have last year, thanks to someone.

I spent my birthday first with a Christian friend whom nilibre ko sa McDo. I toured my friend around Ateneo and showed a good view of the place. That friend texted me the evening later thanking me for the experience and company, which I will reciprocate soon enough.

The evening was spent watching the Ateneo Alumni Legends Team going up against the Ateneo UAAP team. The UAAP won by only 4 points, surviving an attempted comeback by the Legends. Meeting with some interesting new friends there, we concluded that the team needs a lot of work, really. I had dinner with them at Katips until around 1130 and I finally got home at around 130 AM. I had a wonderful time meeting these people whose age may vary from being their son or a very older brother or even an uncle. Oh yeah, meron ding females there. Very young yuppie-type, but fun to talk to, especially about basketball.

Saturday, it was the ACIL Alumni meeting. I came late, but I felt some sort of OP there, ewan ko ba. Siguro dahil I came from the wonderful events yesterday. Add the fact that only my batchmates there greeted me deflated my enthusiasm, and the absence of some people whom I wished to be there. Still, the meeting was a success, plus I got to see Ate Yvee ulet. It is always a pleasure of mine to see her after she flew the coop of being our 2nd ever DS Secretary

Sunday, my Christian friend invited me to the Christian service. It is done weekly in UP, and based from my experience there, it was a lively thing. Fun siya at enjoyable, unlike the dullness and boredom of the Mass, especially here in my church here. My Christian friend introduced me to the other people there, and they welcomed me with open arms. Later on, I went along with the barkada of my Christian friend at SM North. To put it short, I had fun again. I went home late again, with indelible memories. I promised my Christian friend that if I had the time and money to come to their service, I would. However, I will still retain my Catholic religious denomination. I feel fine with my current religious state, thus no need to be converted. I have my own way of expressing my Catholic faith, and that will suffice.

Something fresh: I had a talk with a Christian friend of mine, at ewan ko ba, I feel some sort of pitfall emotionally. It is tearing me apart, making me feel loose. There were some things cleared, but I still have some problems dealing with some things, and some feelings that have to be addressed. Darn! It feels like I hit a brick wall all of a sudden. I do not know what to do, do not know what to say. It is rationality versus emotional rush. Will He help me? I need to talk to my Christian friend again, and I better act fast. I feel it slipping away, again.

Reflecting on some things, I realize the problems I encounter are of my own creation. I struggle everyday to live with these things. I am mired in my own pit of eternal damnation, living in my own hellish state. I suffer from the repercussions of the past, and am traumatized from his previous experiences. I cannot fathom it. I have to face these demons, yet whenever I face them, I get royally screwed. Hindi ko ito matakasan. Case in point, the issue of Bea has not died yet even if I declared it a dead issue for over 9 months already. It just will not die and end itself.

I wish I could dwell on other things right now, but I cannot. After talking to my Christian friend, I wish my pain could end, but it will not. I wish I could think properly right now, but my emotions are tearing my sanity. I just do not know what to do now.

I need to talk to someone right now. Or else, my life will suffer another pitfall.

Just as it was last year, the emotional highs of what a natal day should provide has been overshadowed by the demons of emotional frustration and depression.

What am I doing wrong? More questions in my unraveling emotional sanity that is my personal life.

This ends my emotional rollercoaster entry.

P.S. Will someone put her arms around me? And take me away from my misery.

P.P.S. I am now going to start compiling my emotions and thoughts into a literary medium. In other words, to borrow Bea’s style, isang “feeling poet” na rin ako. However, I am going to name my poetry as philosopoetry, and I become a philosopoet. Para maiba. Oras na para mailabas ang aking nararamdaman na aking ikinukubli sa kamunduhan.

Written by the Ninja @ 3:11 PM

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