Tuesday, June 29, 2004

This was written on the 28th of June.

I find it fun, exciting and interesting to read the blogs or its other forms of whatevers of the people that are listed on my links page. I really want to take a look and see what is in their minds and thoughts. I find it surprising that I have found a passion for such a trivial exercise like this. I have never been thought of as fad-chaser, as someone who immediately goes after something new. It would take me while to go after something like this. oh well… I only wish people read mine and add stuff to it. I genuinely wish that.

Speaking of genuinely wish, I had one last weekend. It was somehow granted, and I had so much fun. What was it? Hmmm… it was very simple, but I would like to keep it under wraps for now, if you know what I mean…

What happened this weekend?

Friday, IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY. Unfortunately, I can count with my fingers the number of people who even remembered that it was my birthday that day. Yep, that was my plan that I had in place and executed. In the past few years, I usually would tell people that it was my natal day on that day. I did not this year, to see if people could remember my birthday. I guess they did not. I met a lot of people that day, meron GA ang Gabay noon, then I dropped by the DS Department and the ACIL room. Did anybody remember that it was my birthday? Grrr… It was so disappointing and frustrating.

Enough ranting on my birthday, your natal day should be a good emotional lift day, something I did not have last year, thanks to someone.

I spent my birthday first with a Christian friend whom nilibre ko sa McDo. I toured my friend around Ateneo and showed a good view of the place. That friend texted me the evening later thanking me for the experience and company, which I will reciprocate soon enough.

The evening was spent watching the Ateneo Alumni Legends Team going up against the Ateneo UAAP team. The UAAP won by only 4 points, surviving an attempted comeback by the Legends. Meeting with some interesting new friends there, we concluded that the team needs a lot of work, really. I had dinner with them at Katips until around 1130 and I finally got home at around 130 AM. I had a wonderful time meeting these people whose age may vary from being their son or a very older brother or even an uncle. Oh yeah, meron ding females there. Very young yuppie-type, but fun to talk to, especially about basketball.

Saturday, it was the ACIL Alumni meeting. I came late, but I felt some sort of OP there, ewan ko ba. Siguro dahil I came from the wonderful events yesterday. Add the fact that only my batchmates there greeted me deflated my enthusiasm, and the absence of some people whom I wished to be there. Still, the meeting was a success, plus I got to see Ate Yvee ulet. It is always a pleasure of mine to see her after she flew the coop of being our 2nd ever DS Secretary

Sunday, my Christian friend invited me to the Christian service. It is done weekly in UP, and based from my experience there, it was a lively thing. Fun siya at enjoyable, unlike the dullness and boredom of the Mass, especially here in my church here. My Christian friend introduced me to the other people there, and they welcomed me with open arms. Later on, I went along with the barkada of my Christian friend at SM North. To put it short, I had fun again. I went home late again, with indelible memories. I promised my Christian friend that if I had the time and money to come to their service, I would. However, I will still retain my Catholic religious denomination. I feel fine with my current religious state, thus no need to be converted. I have my own way of expressing my Catholic faith, and that will suffice.

Something fresh: I had a talk with a Christian friend of mine, at ewan ko ba, I feel some sort of pitfall emotionally. It is tearing me apart, making me feel loose. There were some things cleared, but I still have some problems dealing with some things, and some feelings that have to be addressed. Darn! It feels like I hit a brick wall all of a sudden. I do not know what to do, do not know what to say. It is rationality versus emotional rush. Will He help me? I need to talk to my Christian friend again, and I better act fast. I feel it slipping away, again.

Reflecting on some things, I realize the problems I encounter are of my own creation. I struggle everyday to live with these things. I am mired in my own pit of eternal damnation, living in my own hellish state. I suffer from the repercussions of the past, and am traumatized from his previous experiences. I cannot fathom it. I have to face these demons, yet whenever I face them, I get royally screwed. Hindi ko ito matakasan. Case in point, the issue of Bea has not died yet even if I declared it a dead issue for over 9 months already. It just will not die and end itself.

I wish I could dwell on other things right now, but I cannot. After talking to my Christian friend, I wish my pain could end, but it will not. I wish I could think properly right now, but my emotions are tearing my sanity. I just do not know what to do now.

I need to talk to someone right now. Or else, my life will suffer another pitfall.

Just as it was last year, the emotional highs of what a natal day should provide has been overshadowed by the demons of emotional frustration and depression.

What am I doing wrong? More questions in my unraveling emotional sanity that is my personal life.

This ends my emotional rollercoaster entry.

P.S. Will someone put her arms around me? And take me away from my misery.

P.P.S. I am now going to start compiling my emotions and thoughts into a literary medium. In other words, to borrow Bea’s style, isang “feeling poet” na rin ako. However, I am going to name my poetry as philosopoetry, and I become a philosopoet. Para maiba. Oras na para mailabas ang aking nararamdaman na aking ikinukubli sa kamunduhan.

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Friday, June 25, 2004

I am writing this on the 24th of June…

I spent the yesterday and today pondering and thinking on some things. After the “incident” last Tuesday, I decided to cool things off before my closed judgement makes things worse. I also spent the two days just being at home and not do anything extravagant that would drain whatever financial resources I have in store.

I recently rekindled good friendly relationships that have been shelved for some reasons, I managed to see and / or hear them again. It gives me pleasure to be associated with them in some sort of capacity. I believe that one should keep a healthy relationship with their friends or acquaintances, even if they do not reciprocate that notion. Ewan ko ba kung bakit I keep on pursuing it, but I guess it is within my nature.

Speaking of pursuing, I distinctly recall one momentous occasion on this day. The old catechists know this, and I would want them to keep their mouths shut about it. it is just that hindi ko alam kung ano ang aking mararamdaman about her. I do not know how to “celebrate” it, yet. Medyo magulo pa ang isipan, medyo magulo pa ang pakiramdam, pero tapos na ang isyung ito para sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung tapos na ang isyung ito para sa kanya, but the catechists probably have a hint about this query. Ano sa palagay ninyo, mga kaibigan?

Tamang tama, ang sounds ko as of writing this:

Lenny Kravitz – Can’t get you off my mind
Eurythmics – 17 Again
Steps – Deeper Shade of Blue

‘nuff said.

Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit? Bakit?

I only hope she’s the one. For my own sake, and for hers…

As for Chinky and Carmela and to those who probably share that sentiment those two have, I do not expect any apology from you. You may be expecting one from me, but you are not and will not be getting it. To quote from the show Seinfeld; “I am the master of my domain.” I add, you are not the master of my domain, so just continue on what you are doing and let me run my life as I see fit. I know I will not be receiving Christmas cards from you in the foreseeable present and the unforeseeable future. I am not one of your royal subjects that I am subject to your whims and dictums. In the end, though, kahit na I am incensed by your remarks, I have already forgiven you. May you do well in your current endeavors; Carmela in her graduate studies and Chinky with MemRel (I expect great things from you in the year ahead).

Ciao and Happy Feast Day to my Patron Saint; St. John the Baptist!!!


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Tuesday, June 22, 2004

boredom...

ateneo has this certain type of attachment to me wherein i just cannot get it out of. maybe it is plainly the fact that i love this campus so much and that i enjoy its essence. besides, i can manage to surf the world wide web here for free. i spend 20 pesos commuting from my house to school. surfing the net in the ghetto costs 25 an hour... this beats watching cable television and doing nothing of value and importance.

i know some people care for me in some sort of way, but why do people insist on what the hell am i doing here? people seem to want me out of their lives... is that what it is all about, now that i am an alumnus already... ipinag-pipilitan pa nila... gusto na ata nilang patakbuhin buhay ko like they want to... it is frustrating... alam kong concerned sila, pero bakit ganoon? bakit? i guess that is how i have become... frustrating and sickening... cannot blame them, that is a certainty...

why me... why me... why me... why me... why me...


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Friday, June 18, 2004

Ok… I feel in the mood for writing again… kaya eto yung mga nasa kalooban ko for the past few days…

NBA Finals: I watched in horror as the Detroit Pistons manhandled the Los Angeles Lakers in the Finals, and it was not pretty. It was shocking, as my Lakers were devoured by the athleticism of the likes of Rip, Chauncey, and Tayshaun. Ang saklap talaga. Pero that is what it is all about, you have to play the game. Anyway, sarap talaga manood ng basketball.

Coverage: I was shocked when ABC, who is covering the NBA Finals in the States, which is the broadcast being used in Solar Sports (sina Quinito at Vito eh nasa IBC) all of a sudden turned its coverage to the Filipino team for a few minutes. According to Quinito, he was told that this was the first time it happened in the long history of the Finals. He also added they were not told about it until he got the text messages from the Filipino community across America (the likes of Vince Hizon and Janelle So (omg, miss ko na siya… I need to see your FHM pix… waah!!) and Quinito’s relatives) It feels great to listen to them, but I still prefer to listen to the original, so I apologize…

Arianne: hmmm… if you think that I made progress, sorry… given the difficulty of communicating with her, I decided to email my sentiments to her, and she replied. Unfortunately, she does not share my feelings and sentiments that I have. After receiving that email, I managed to talk to her on the phone from her condo unit in Katipunan and talked about that email. I know I was once again rejected (Basted ka na naman!!!! Ano b yan!!!) but that is the way it is, so there…

Lovelife: hay naku, eto na naman… grr… siguro it is something I really would want to experience, but wala akong magawa eh… something goes aray and a not-so-good result happens. No matter how cruel fate really is, I have to move on and gotta get through this.

Cellphone: yes, I am back in the techonological realm. My mother bought me again another cellphone, which is my fourth. The first 2 were taken away from me, while the last one is still here with me, albeit with a broken LCD. My cellphone now is a Sony Ericsson T230, a cute mobile phone that I wish had infrared or Bluetooth, para less gastos. Oh well, ipon na lang… I love it, and I promise I will take care of it.

Next week: I have a plan for next week. Basta, I got something up my sleeve and I am going to observe. Lets see if what I think is true or not. I hope what negativity prevalent in my thoughts are not true, I hope…


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Monday, June 14, 2004

This was what I wrote on the 11th of June:

Dapat kahapon ko ito ipo-post, ngunit I spent too much time fixing the comments section of the blog, kaya now lang…

Eniwei, it has been a week of personal disappointment. In the sporting world, my Calgary Flames lost out to the Tampa Bay Lightning in seven games, while the Lakers lost kanina sa Detroit. Grrr… parang ang angst ko ngayon… adding fuel to the fire was the events of last night… I felt so frustrated and angered… I hope that the soda can left amongst the cinderblocks conveyed my message.

I am listening to my mp3s stored in my pc, and I think about the songs that are playing… nauna ang “starfuckers” ng nine inch nails, perfectly conveying one’s angst against someone… tapos, “beautiful” ni christina aguilera. Again, perfectly calming my disgust regarding the lack of respect I have gotten. It seems I always had a chip on my shoulder, like Martin St. Louis of the Lightning, probably the NHL MVP, if I it’s not Jarome Iginla (my fave player right now).

Speaking of respect and appreciation, I had just officially ended my association with the Logistics Committee (LogCom) of OrSem. My definition of official would be actually taking part in the preparation ek-ek (participation in the sign-up, being involved in the training, etc.). I was personally disappointed with how I performed there as a volunteer, given that takas na nga lang ito at medyo limitado ako at alam kong illegal itong ginagawa ko sa harap ng aking magulang (btw, happy birthday, mother dear!!! I love you so much, even though I have not been the idyllic son you wish I was… hmmm… pag birthday na ni mommy, malapit na…).

Participating in orsem was a blast… in fact, I met very familiar faces that you would not expect being involved in something like this (case 1: george francisco, who composes half of the history graduates of 2k3, has a cousin who is in orsem; case 2: catherine liamzon, someone I consider a very very special friend, has a sister who is an incoming freshie). Also, the Orcom alumni and alumnae were there to support the incumbents (Remy, Pat, Buloid, Carissa, Kitty, etc…) and of course, familiar faces I have encountered before, may it be in orsem, colayco, classes, etc… and all say the same thing; that they appreciate my presence here, even if I have already graduated… I almost shed a tear reading what they wrote to me on the last day…

Eto ang ilan, you won’t see me do this often…

You’ve always been there for LOG and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that we have a volunteer like you in our midst. Thank you for the enthusiasm and dedication you’ve shown. Thank you for showing us all what a volunteer and friend should be. You were wonderful. Congrats and thank you.

Thanks for all the help! You don’t know how much it means to me.

Happy 6th year of ORSEM! Grabe ikaw lang ata yung kilala ko na sobrang game pagdating ng ORSEM. Haha! Cge good luck. God bless! Take care!

Grabe! Isa pang ORSEM nakalipas  thanks so much for volunteering! All these years nakikita ko sa ‘yo ang spirit of service na dapat sa isang atenista! Keep it up! God bless!

Idol! Ur da Man!

Kung hindi ka namang ma-touch sa mga ganitong messages eh, ewan ko na lang…

Moving on, as a whole, this OrSem has to be one of the most bizarre ones. Imagine, a freshie gets a dislocated shoulder, a TNT chokes in their meeting, techinical difficulties interrupted the night’s proceedings twice, and finally, walang basaan because one of the OrCom had a severe asthma attack and had to be brought out on a stretcher. Scary, no? I don’t agree with the last one, but, I see the point in it… can’t blame them. however, big props to the them, led by Anj and Enzo… especially big props to the LOG core (Sasa, Jammy, Fred, Ria, Doods, Rinna, Ryan, Camille, Russ, Jerick, sensya na kung merong ba akong nakalimutan) I also would like to say thanks as well to all of the volunteers (especially sa LOG) who made my last OrSem memorable. However, given that I feel so disappointed with some things… I now say that come Orsem 2005, kung kelan man iyon… If I don’t have any conflict of schedule, I will make myself available to provide support to my beloved LOG, and that will be a guarantee…

Eto naman yun sa 12th…

Hmm… there was one thing I could distinctly recall today… and it is not our Independence Day. In fact, I was numb about it. totally numb. Parang walang paki… haay… my mind was on another place, so surreal…

I was watching the funeral of the 40th president of the United States, Ronald Reagan… and one could see the sadness, the sorrow, the loss of someone so dear in the eyes of not just his immediate family, but that of the whole democratic society that someone said, stood on the late president’s shoulders…

I may have been unable to watch the complete preceedings, but one can sense the pain, the mourning… even I, someone who lives thousands of miles away, one who was watching the proceedings on television, one whose innocent childhood was spared of the threat of communism (thanks to him), cannot help but shed a tear for a man, a wonderful individual who had everyone’s respect, even his rivals’. He will be sorely missed in this world. Happy trails, Mr. President!

Thinking about it, what I managed to watch was what his children spoke of about him, not just as the 40th president, but as their father, as Nancy’s husband… and after listening to them, one cannot help but be touched by who Ronald Reagan was… sana, ganoon ako sa aking pamilya, sa aking magulang, sa aking kapatid, at sa aking magiging asawa at mga anak… makes you wonder about what life really is all about… what your legacy will be to those whom you will be leaving behind.

As for our own independence, what independence? we are still mired in mediocrity… prices to pay for our own stupidity, I guess… you are whom you vote for… may god bless our souls…


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Thursday, June 10, 2004

eto yung nasa peyups.com na article

the article's name is "I Refuse To"/ it was written by a certain pinkgurl...

sana mabasa niyo...

I refuse to wait for you any longer. There was a time in my life when I would have saved myself for you alone. In my heart no one else would do. I belonged to no one else but you. That isn’t me anymore. My heart finally caught up with my brain and I finally saw that all of it was just nothing but fantasies. Dreams that only I wanted. There was no hope left for us. As each day passed, it became clearer to me that it was never meant to be. We were never meant to be.

I refuse to live in the past. What we shared lives in the past, it doesn’t control me any longer. Don’t get me wrong, I will forever treasure it but I won’t let it hold me back. I won’t let it ruin who I was and who I am now. For a time, I almost forgot who I was without you. I’ll never let that happen again. I won’t ever lose myself again.

I refuse to fight anymore. For several months now, I’ve been fighting. I’ve been fighting for our friendship and for us. However, no matter what I do, I seem to be losing. Whenever I feel as if I’m going to buckle down because of the pressure, the thought that somehow maybe you are fighting for us too kept me going. But months have passed, I haven’t heard from you. Somehow I finally realized that I was the only one fighting for us. I was doing everything I could possibly can for someone who was and never will be mine.

I refuse to believe that you didn’t love me. Somehow, someway, I know that I have a place in your heart. You may not have been able to love me the way I wanted you to love me but I know that even for just a second, you really did love me.

I refuse to lose hope. It may not be you. It may take me forever to find him, but I will. Tears have been streaming down my cheeks for too long but not anymore. I have learned so many things from all this. Things that I felt should have been taught to me some other less painful way but somehow I don’t regret it. It made me stronger. It made me look inside myself and really see who I really am and not who I thought I was. Hope kept me going. The hope for better things to come, the same hope that one day I will finally be over you.


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Wednesday, June 02, 2004

It has been more than a month since i last wrote something relevant in my blog, and I apologize for it. wala akong time para mag-sulat eh. sowi. pagpasensyahan na ninyo ako. haaaayyy... let me enumerate and bloviate on the events and other whimsical thoughts that I endured.

1. Hoopla on graduation day: finally, tapos na rin ang aking pag-aaral sa kolehiyo. One can truly say that graduation is one of the most memorable events in a person's lifetime. I was in a state of rapture after singing the song for mary. i could not help but shed tears of joy and hug my parents and my lola, as i finally done it, albeit a semester later than expected. Still, i graduated from my dream school with friends. What else can i ask for, di ba? Man, sinabi ko pa sa sarili ko, i should not shed a tear.

2. Sidelights on graduation day: i graduated with richard alvarez, the MVP and the big man on campus. i remember, katabi at ka-group ko pa siya sa psy 101. a wonderful guy to be with. he also has a very lovely girlfriend. he's so lucky talaga. sana ako ren, hehe. it was also a good opportunity to collect graduation pictures, too. sayang nga lang hindi ko nagawang lagyan ng message. oh well... after grad, nabusog ako sa sisig sa gerry's. sarap talaga. ako pa pumili ng place. winner!!!!

3. roasting: ang saya-saya noong araw na iyon. ako nag-provide ng venue, pinuntahan ko pa bahay ni omar, sinundo ko pa ang mga magdalo, grabe. wow. i went to the gabay-annex at b.gonzales checking on the nips, haaay... in fact, i sacrificed going to the 2nd day of grad para lang sa kanila. as for the event itself, i was concerned with the event, dahil ang buong mag-anak eh nandoon sa bahay, and i became concerned na baka may sensitive info na lumabas. sensitive info equates into my involvment with a certain person. i keep the notion that my non-academic business in school is a need-to-know basis. buti na lang, they left or slept early. hindi nila nakita yung "special event". they know that i am courting arianne for a while now. syempre, nalaman nilang mei 1 guy na nagbigay ng chocnut noong valentine's day, at isang necklace na may pendant na susi and a rose while on one knee during blue roast last week. (malamang deep inside, alam nila na ako yun, hehe). eniwei, i gave arianne a cd containg songs that i had burned from mp3s. she was honored, but she reminded me of no guarantees or certainties. (sigh...) yung lang ata downer noon eh... nandoon si paula, so neat. hehehe. the freshmen thanked me for helping them out. sana lang they would do that consistently. Sometimes it gives me a lot of concern in my mind.

4. Jomar: it has been almost two months since his departure, and I miss him. Nalaman ko na lang na pumanaw na siya noong kinaumagahan na. Nakuha pang I-text ako in ate ryo (not exactly the right person to be informing you about something as serious as this), then when I heard the news, I left early in the afternoon to be with them. I feelt their pain, and it was a solemn moment for us as organization, as a family. Makes you value your life much more… also, it shocked the world, to the extent that adjustments to the OSA guidelines were made. Good thing the repercussions were as harsh on us as I had feared. After all, we’ve been hit hard and all that… dahil din sa kanya, I lost my mother’s cellular phone the Friday that followed. Saklap nga, dahil ako ang hinoldap. Waahhh… then, that night, I had a spat with Kristel (all fixed, though). Ang madamdaming talaga when you lose someone you had a good relationship with, and that an event like this would glue people together, and in the end, they become more stronger in faith and in guidance. Now, things are much better. Mark A. is taking on Jom’s mantle of leadership in the Spiritual Formation committee. Sabi nga ng mga magulang ni Jom, which I had the pleasure of talking to them, this was the plan of God. His faith guided their wounded souls through the pain and sorrow. May He continue to guide them. I eagerly await Jom’s bday come November.

5. Planning: naudlot ang planning ng buong Gabay that time, at it wasn’t until the start of summer that we managed to do something productive. Kaunti man lang kami, but it was handled very well. Kristel did herself accordingly as the new head. It was also during this stage that I gave the last remaining egg from roasting to SF, who deserve that token, which jom in part help make, more than me and my family.

6. Summer: parang nakakatamad ang summer para sa akin. I feel so unproductive. Sensya na. I find it weird to be saying that I am unemployed… the family managed to go to Puerto Galera during march, then go to a resort on my cousin’s birthday. My consolation has been spending it in school, be with my friends there who are taking summer classes, and do my usual mail check… boring, no?

7. Elections: kasagsagan ng kampanya pa noon, grabe. The K4 senatorial lineup dropped by the municipality, and I managed to partake of their paraphernalia, meron pa ngang slight drizzle. I hope though then that the right people are going to be elected, but it wasn’t to be… btw, here is my ballot:

President: villanueva, eddie;
Vice President: aquino, herminio
Senators: alvarez, heherson; barbers, robert; biazon, rodolfo; chavez, frank; cayetano, pilar juliana; escudero, salvador; gordon, richard; herrera, ernesto; mercado, orlando; padilla, carlos; pimentel, aquilino; roxas, mar manuel
Congressman: tanjuatco, ricardo
Party-list: ang nagkakaisang kabataan para sa sambayanan
Governor: ynares, ito
Vice-governor: valera, gody
Board Members: arriola, luis; oropesa, loy; rivera, atto; roxas, june
Mayor: rivera, omie
Vice-mayor: diaz, ariel
Councilors: aggasid, ed; angel, jay; buenviaje, mark; buenviaje, ronald; curz, crispin; robosa, vince; roxas, jimmy; san pedro, obet

8. Namfrel: I love serving others, and in my humblest opinion, this is one of the best ways of doing it. katunayan, sawang-sawa na ata ang mga iyon sa akin (after all, aisa and especially nicole weren’t exactly in good terms with me). Nothing for me beats serving my country with all my heart. I am a Filipino, and a proud one at that, with all the problems that we have endured over the years.

9. Civil service: in my dream of serving the people, my idyllic means of doing that was to enter government service as a government employee. How? The first step is to pass the civil service examinations. It was a pleasure for me, (ang cheesy nito, promise) kasi merong isang very pretty na ojt doon (corny, no?) I also met someone there. Once I manage to acquire a cellphone, I intend to contact that person again.

10. Election canvassing: watching this was a circus. It was ridiculous, especially the shut up madness involving digs. And I even gave credence to the possibility of including him in my ballot. Anyway, amidst all the madness, they managed to get things done, albeit the fact that it was done in four long days of innuendos.

Ayan, I have enlightened you with some of my proverbial thoughts. More to follow, hopefully, I would be more frequent in writing…



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I am John Paul Manahan.

I am a Cancer, born in the Year of the Dog, a day after the feast day of St. John the Baptist, in the month of the Pearl.

I am a philosopoet, devoted to now writing what are on my thoughts on a frequent basis.

I am a Filipino, devoted to its culture and traditions and will not trade it for anything else in the world.

I am a Catholic, devoted to the tenets of the Church.

I am an Atenean, devoted to the faith and principles of magis.

I am a Maristian, devoted to Mary through the ideals of St. Marcellin Champagnat.

I am a proud graduate with a major in Development Studies, devoted to changing the world, whichever way possible in this grim reality we put ourselves in.

Hello! Welcome to my domain!
Remember to always keep an open mind.
To navigate, click the warning signs. Hope you enjoy the blog.




This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.